OUTREACH!
Pride is a Sin
By Reverend Danielle Wright; BCOG Outreach and Relief Ministries Chairperson
Chicagoans, it’s that time of year when Satan hauls out his tight pink belly shirt and covers his perfectly waxed body in glitter. Yes, Chicagoans, Gay Pride is upon us once again. This week, the Devil will assist the gays in pomping their floats and mashing up Lady Gaga with Ace of Base. He’ll be trotting out the Gay Men’s Chorus (redundant) and helping the ladies find the right shortstop for their impenetrable softball team. OK Satan, you’re here, you’re queer… but we refuse to get used to it!
Good Christians, as we head into this celebration of abominations and perverts, let’s do our best to counteract sin in the Second City. Here are some things you can do:
1. If you are married, have straight vaginal-penile intercourse with the man in the top position. Do not use birth control and please don’t enjoy it.
2. If you are not married… WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU?
3. If you’re gay… STOP IT. It’s a choice… and, you’re making the wrong one. Let’s talk about choices for a sec. Okay, here are some:
- Waffles or pancakes? [Pancakes. Waffles are gay.]
- Pepsi or Coke? [Pepsi. Coke is gay]
- Back alley BJs with someone who’s got your same genitals…or man-woman procreation while in a long term monogamous relationship sanctified by one of God’s certified representatives, the sole purpose of which is to have children? [Man-woman. Being gay is gay.].
Chicago Christians, we all know that the Bible says same-gender ‘doing- it’ is a sin. Check out Leviticus 20:13:“If a man practices homosexuality, having sex with another man as with a woman, both men have committed a detestable act. They must both be put to death, for they are guilty of a capital offense.” While maybe we can’t call in the firing squad (that’s Utah’s job), we can head down to the parade and act super bitchy. Job 40:12: “Humiliate the proud with a glance.” So, get yourself down to the Gay Pride Parade this year with Bible in hand to shout your airtight arguments against homosexuality in witty rhymed-slogan form. “The Holy Bible ain’t no smut, my Good Book says don’t take it in the butt!” Well said, Jesus. Well said.
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