Dear Jesus
Real emails. Real people. Real responses.
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Sent to the BCOG on July 8th, 2010
From: J. Christensen
I am an elder and I live near the city gates. Yea, though I have lived here these 50 years I have never had the opportunity to stone a girl to death for dishonoring her father's house. Is there a list I can sign up for? Some say the new testament is the perfection of the old testament (and supercedes [syc] it ??) Is there some other punishment I can meet out to girls who dishonor their father's house?? (Without, that is, being subject to criminal chages [syc] ??) And thus purge the evil from our midst.
In Jesus Christ Our Lord
I remain,
Saint Joseph
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Sent from BCOG to 'Saint Joseph' on July 9th, 2010
St. Joe,
First, let me say how truly pleased I am by the style of writing in your e-mail. It is obvious that you let the spirit move your faithful fingers just as the scribes of the Bible let God inspire their scripture. Like the writers of the Good Book, you paid little mind to the modern shackles of literature such as syntax, cohesive thought, and continuity.
What does concern me, is that you question the perfection of the Old Testament. Does the New Testament “perfect” the Old Testament? Sure it does- if it’s possible to PERFECT PERFECTION. Which it is not. Although written hundreds of years ago, the Bible remains the most up-to-date book available today. 
It also concerns (and downright shocks) me to find that you haven’t had the pleasure of a holy stoning! They are a must for any God-fearing fundamentalist. Of course, Best Church of God has a list of congregation members interested in being a stoning participant; if you could send your name to dedicatedstoner@bestchurchofgod.org we will notify you of all our upcoming stoning events. Let me also remind you that the dishonoring of one’s father is not the only offense to warrant a stoning. According to the Bible, here’s a quick sample of some other transgressions that will have you polishing your heaviest stones and bubbling with excitement:
- Touching Mt Sinai (Exodus 19:30)
- Cursing or blaspheming (Leviticus 24:16)
- “Taking accursed things"--like violin lessons (Joshua 7:1)
- Worshiping other gods (Deuteronomy 17:2)
- Giving your children to Molech (Leviticus 20:2)
- Breaking the Sabbath (Numbers 15:32-56 )
- Being a witch or a wizard (Leviticus 20:27 )
- Not being a virgin on your wedding night--only applicable to women (Deuteronomy 22:13-21)
As you can see, we Christians have ample opportunities to carry out God’s will by stoning sinners. Let me refer, however, to your specific question about other ways we can punish our daughters for dishonoring their father’s house that would not land you in the slammer.
- Deuteronomy 21:18--If a man has a stubborn and rebellious son who does not obey his father and mother, his father and mother shall take hold of him and bring him to the elders…and all the men of his town shall stone him to death.
- Proverbs 20:20--If a man curses his father or mother, his lamp will be snuffed out in pitch darkness.
- Matthew 15:4 (and this is super friendly Jesus talking in the super friendly New Testament)--Anyone who curses his father or mother shall be put to death.
Look, Joe, there is no “legal” punishment for your daughter. You can choose from stoning, death, or stoning to death. If you get arrested, just remind the officers that you only answer to one jury, and that jury is comprised of the Father, the Son, and the Holy Ghost.
Yours in Family Values,
Pastor Dave
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Sent to the BCOG on February 15th, 2010
From: J. Christensen
...How exactly does the Best Church of God look at Islam (strictly unofficially and off the record of course)? I was wondering, since the general approach to religion is pretty clear, but I couldn't help but notice the lack of anything post-Jesus.
Hope to hear from you soon - and peace be with you,
Mr. Christensen
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Sent from the BCOG on February 16th, 2010
Dear Mr. Christensen (holy biblical name, J. CHRISTensen!),
Muslims don’t believe that Jesus was God. Clearly, they haven’t read the New Testament. While we aren’t about to read the Qur’an, we’re pretty sure you won’t be hearing any tablah music in heaven.
The New Testament says that you can’t get to God without going through Jesus: “Jesus told him, ‘I am the way, the truth, and the life. No one can come to the Father except through me.’” (John 14:6) Need more? Jesus said: “There is salvation in no one else! God has given no other name under heaven by which we must be saved.” (Acts 4:12) See J.C.? That means it’s not possible for a Muslim to really know God unless he knows Jesus. And if that happened, then the Muslim wouldn’t be a Muslim any more; he’d be a Christian.
God wants you to get Muslims over to “Team Jesus!” He’s even given you a few awesome sales tools to get the job done. In selling Abdul on Christianity, make sure you use this one: Jesus said “You didn’t choose me. I chose you...the Father will give you whatever you ask for, using my name.” (John 15:16.) Just say “Jesus” and you can get whatever you want! Forget those 72 virgins your Muslim god promised you. What do you say to 73 virgins? Or 173? Through Jesus, you can have all the awkward, painful young-girl-raping sex your pure Christian heart desires…as soon as you’re dead.
And how about this one: “You will have abundant joy.” (John 16:24) Abundant joy? That’s a lot of camels and burkas!
God wants us to remind the Muslims that “we confidently and joyfully look forward to sharing God’s glory.” (Romans 5:2) So, invite your town’s token Muslim over, break bread and talk about accepting Jesus as his new God. And if he refuses, gently remind him what Jesus said in Matthew 10:34: “Think not that I am come to send peace on earth: I came not to send peace, but a sword.” Now you’re speaking a language those Jihadists can understand. Amen.
In Him -
Simon L. Buress
BCOG’s Resident Scholar of Islam and French Cooking
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Sent to the BCOG on October 20th, 2009
From 'California Christian'
Should us devoted God-fearing Christians celebrate Halloween?
I don’t know, you’re the experts, please help.
Awaiting your inspired instructions,
Love in Christ Jesus’ name,
Confused Californian Christian
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Sent from BCOG to 'California Christian' on October 27th, 2009
Dear Confused California Christian, 
You are absolutely right to be worried. While Gay Pride day is technically THE ‘Devil’s Day,’ Halloween is also from Satan. In fact, Lucifer was the first to dress up in a costume (“a wolf in sheep’s clothing”-Matthew 7:15). This upcoming night of goblins, witches and ghosts should be avoided at all costs. The most obvious reason is Deuteronomy 18:10 “Do not let your people practice fortune-telling or sorcery, or allow them to interpret omens, or engage in witchcraft, or cast spells, or function as mediums or psychics, or call forth the spirits of the dead. Anyone who does these things is an object of horror and disgust to the Lord.” I’m already an object of horror and disgust to my husband. I’ve got to do better for The Lord!
It’s not only biblically wrong for children to engage in sinful sorcery and costumery; it’s also a mortal sin for the parents. Matthew 18:6 “but whoever causes one of these little ones who believe in me to sin, it would be better for him to have a great millstone fastened around his neck and to be drowned in the depth of the sea.” Death is bad enough, but having to go out and search for a great millstone really just adds insult to injury. (Check Ebay)
So when the kid sporting that cute Harry Potter costume comes knocking at your door chirping “trick or treat,” show him the true meaning of Halloween: Beat him senseless with the scavenged limbs of his little Slutty-Tinker-Bell friend until he repents for his sins and understands the mercy of Jesus Christ. If he still wants to play dress up, tell him he can be a camel in the Christmas Pageant.
Yours in Christ,
Reverend Joy Phillips
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Sent to the BCOG on May 18, 2009
From 'Hannah'
Just thought you should know that not all churches are like this and what you're doing is wrong. U should be promoting faith in God not tearing down and making fun of his word OR his people. I will pray that He changes your heart.
Sincerely,
Hannah
Ps: God loves, even you.
Sent from my iPod
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Sent from BCOG to 'Hannah' on May 18, 2009
Dear Hannah,
I am head theologian for Best Church of God, Taye Diggs. Not that Taye Diggs. A different Taye Diggs. Your email (sent from your ipod) was forwarded to me and I'd like a chance to address your concerns.
U say "Not all churches are like this." The THIS u refer to is the reason why we are The BEST Church of God. So many other churches violate God's unerring holy word by refusing to take the bible as the 100% perfect truth it is. When was the last time u wore a cotton poly blend or ate some delicious shrimp scampi? Did anyone in your "church" ever put u to death? According to the word of the Bible (See Leviticus 11:12, Deuteronomy 22:11) they should have. We would have. Because we are a real church.
Webster's defines a church as "a building for public Christian worship." And furtherm
ore defines Christianity as "The religion of Christians; the system of doctrines and precepts taught by Christ." And since Jesus said that the Old Testament was divinely inspired, the veritable Word of God, "The Scripture cannot be broken" (John 10:35). He referred to Scripture as "the commandment of God" (Matthew 15:3) and as the "Word of God" (Matthew 15:6). He also indicated that it was indestructible: "Until Heaven and earth pass away, not the smallest letter or stroke shall pass away from the law, until all is accomplished" (Matthew 5:18). Notice that he even mentions the words and letters.
Now, seeing as we, The Best Church of God, are the only Church that follows every WORD AND LETTER of the Holy Bible, and since that is what Jesus taught, and since following the teachings of Jesus is what defines Christianity, and since a Christian house of worship is a Church, we can infer that all these "other" churches u are referring to are not real churches. They aren't Christian, because they aren't following every letter of the bible like Jesus instructed.
So sister, come join us in Bible study to reveal the true message of Jesus and His book. We’ll revel in the Word of God as we sip a glass of the Savior’s blood and snack on His tasty flesh. See, at the Best Church of God, it’s Sunday morning 24/7! Just leave your mixed fabrics and shrimp at the door.
Love in Christ,
-Taye Diggs
Head Theologian, Best Church of God