The BEST Christian Personals
Welcome to the Best Church of God's "Personals" page--where true Christians come to find other God-approved souls. Inter-faith relationships are all the rage these days, but why risk having your spouse drag you to hell with them? Here at "The BEST Christian Personals," we're putting the fun back in fundamentalist. If you would like to post a personal, please email us at matchmaker@bestchurchofgod.org
Name: Horace Greepel Age: 96 Height: Less than it used to be Denomination: Old School Christian Seeking: Pre-menopausal lady for matrimony and procreation. If possible. |
Favorite Music
The risqué song stylings of Stephen Foster.
Favorite Food
Anything soft that’s high in fiber.
Favorite Bible Quote
Genesis 1:28. “And God said unto them, Be fruitful, and multiply.”
Profile Essay
I do admit I’m getting up there in years, but I’m still something of a catch. I receive a healthy pension from the cow slaughterers union (yes, I followed the rules set forth in Leviticus 11:3. “You may eat any animal that has a split hoof completely divided and that chews the cud.”). Never have I reproduced. My late wife Bessie Mae could not bear children. This is probably because she cursed our marriage. I once discovered her drinking tea with our milk man when I returned home early from work. Needless to say, I took the Christian high-road and beat her until she remembered whose property she was; “Thy husband…shall rule over thee” (Genesis 3:16). I did not let her forget her slatternly ways and nightly rebuked her with the bible’s cautionary words to all heathens: “Give them wombs that miscarry and breasts that are dry.” (Hosea 9:14) She was a failure and a disappointment.
But I have mellowed some in the sixty years since a severely ironic allergic reaction to milk led to her untimely death. I have hope that I can still father a child. Genesis 17:17 “Then Abraham fell upon his face, and laughed, and said in his heart, Shall a child be born unto him that is an hundred years old?” Well, God saw to it. And I ain’t quite a hundred. I figure God wants me to pass on my good Christian values to the next generation… that’s why He invented Cialis.
Name: Mistress Christian Age: Whatever I say it is Height: 6'9" Body Type: Domineering Denomination: I take full ownership of my faith Seeking: A submissive mate |
Favorite Music
Audio Slave.
Favorite Food
Anything with a leathery or rubbery texture. I’m also fond of “whipped” cream.
Favorite Movies
Exit To Eden. Tie Me Up, Tie Me Down. The Passion of The Christ.
Favorite Bible Quote
Ephesians 6:5. “Slaves, obey your earthly masters with respect and fear, just as you would obey Christ”
Profile Essay
True Christians know that they must submit themselves to God. Well, you won’t find a truer Christian than me. I revere the words of Genesis 16:9. “And the angel of the LORD said unto her, Go back to your mistress and submit to her.” One date with me, and I guarantee you’ll be calling me an Angel of the Lord.
I used to worry about my proclivities. I feared that my true nature would condemn me to Hell. But oh, the blessed joys of the bible! Leviticus 25: 45. “You may also buy some of the residents living among you and they will become your property.” That’s right, darling. You’re all mine. It’s God’s law.
Don’t worry. I like to play rough, but I know where to draw the line. Exodus 21:20: "If a man beats his slave with a rod and the slave dies as a direct result, he must be punished, but he is not to be punished if the slave gets up after a day or two, since the slave is his property.” With the guidance of the bible, I’ll make sure you live to see another beating, honey pie.
Luke 12:47. “That servant who knows his master's will and does not do what his master wants will be beaten with many blows.” God is our ultimate Master, you naughty, naughty slave. Before we go to our Heavenly Dungeon, I’ll make sure our Master’s will is enforced. With MANY blows. Meow.
Name: FaithHealer2000 Age: 40 Height: 5’8 Body Type: Robust Denomination: Christian Scientist Seeking: Husband #4 |
Favorite Bible Quote
Deuteronomy 28:22 “The LORD shall smite thee with a consumption, and with a fever, and with an inflammation, and with an extreme burning, and with the sword, and with blasting, and with mildew; and they shall pursue thee until thou perish.”
Profile Essay
I’ve packed a lotta living into my 40 years on this Earth. I’ve known faith, love, matrimony and loss. Especially matrimony and loss. My first husband Steve lacked faith in his Lord. When an ulcer made his stomach bleed, he actually wanted to go to a doctor! I was quick to quote the book of Mark, 5:25-26. “And a certain woman which had an issue of blood twelve years. And had suffered many things of many physicians, and had spent all she had, and was nothing bettered, but rather grew worse.” That convinced him. We prayed the prayer of faith for his belly to heal. He internally bled to death two days later. But if at first you don’t succeed…
Onto Ralph, hubby number 2. When he felt a lump on the back of his neck, he too thought it would be best to suffer many things of many physicians. “Just pray the prayer of faith,” I said. When he argued, I told him to keep his voice down, and quoted Hebrews 11:6. "Without faith it is impossible to please God well." He was dead within the year. Ralph tried, but I guess he didn’t please God all that well. Hey, the Lord always knows when you’re faking it, which puts him one up on Ralph, if you know what I mean LOL.
Stanley, or as I like to call him “Number 3,”was a sweet man who never argued. He crawled straight home after a passenger bus full of blind people accidentally hit him two blocks from our house. We shared some lovely prayers before he passed away from blunt force trauma.
That’s my story, up to this point. But I gotta lotta livin’ left to do before God calls me to Heaven. Care to join me, my next Mr. Right?
Name: BibleLoverMan Age: 32 Height: 6’0 Body Type: Strong Enough Denomination: Hardcore Christian Seeking: I like women and I’m not picky. |
Favorite Music
Anything with a strong, heavy, pulsating beat.
Favorite Food
Foods rich in iron, protein and Vitamin E.
Favorite Movies
They’re usually independent flicks, found on various internet websites.
Favorite Bible Quote
Zecharia. 14:2. “For I will gather all nations against Jerusalem to battle and the city shall be taken, and the houses rifled and the women ravished.”
Profile Essay
I consider myself to be an old fashioned guy. I don’t fit the mold of the modern “Sensitive Man.” I believe that women want a fellah who is filled with the same conviction found in the bible. Judges 21: 20-21. “Therefore they commanded the children of Benjamin, saying, Go and lie in wait in the vineyards. When the women of Shiloh come out for their dances, rush out from the vineyards, and each of you can take one of them home to be your wife!”
Are you yearning for a man with family values? Look no further. I will not only value you, repeatedly, but I will respect your parents, particularly your Dad. He can rest assured that I’ll always do the right thing. Deuteronomy 22:28-29. “If a man is caught in the act of raping a young woman who is not engaged, he must pay fifty pieces of silver to her father. Then he must marry the young woman because he violated her, and he will never be allowed to divorce her.” Don’t you hate irresponsible people who play fast and loose with the law? That’s not the case here, ladies. Sure, I’ve got the rufees…but I also have the ring.
And yes, I do want to have children. I like kids. A lot. (I’ve got some choice bible quotes to support my fondness for the little ones, but I’ve reached my max word count…)
Name: Peter2-71 Age: 37 Height: 5’4 Body Type: Bounteous Denomination: Fundamentalist BCOG Seeking: Comely virginal damsels for short-term dating, long-term dating, marriage, being fruitful and multiplying. |
Favorite Music
Pretty much a tie between Jars of Clay and Amy Grant. Amy wins the poster contest, as
I have many, many pictures of her adorning the walls of my spacious garden apartment. I even
have one in the bathroom, right next to my pic of Sarah Palin.
Favorite Food
Communion wafers. I have grown stout on Jesus.
Favorite Movies
I tend to gravitate towards the classics: Ben-Hur, The Robe, The Ten Commandments,
The Greatest Story Ever Told. I am, however, starting to develop an interest in the later
works of Mel Gibson.
Favorite Bible Quote
Deuteronomy 22:20-21. “If, however, the charge is true, and no tokens of virginity be
not found, the damsel shall be brought to the door of her father’s house and there the men
of the town shall stone her to death.”
Profile Essay
Are you a pure Christian woman who has not yet known the flesh of another man?
(Hand-holding doesn’t count.) Is your idea of a romantic evening cuddling on the couch
while watching a DVD of the The Last Temptation Of Christ ? Do you live to serve your
man, as in Ephesians 5:22. “Wives, submit yourselves unto your own husbands, as unto
the Lord.”?
My ideal woman is someone who knows her place and is happy to keep her mouth shut.
1 Corinthians 14:34. “Let your women keep silent in the churches for it is not permitted
unto them to speak. But they are commanded to be under obedience.” And remember,
keep your Christian trap shut at home, also. 1 Timothy 2:12. “Do not permit a woman to
teach or to have authority over a man; she must be silent.” Yes, we’ll have a nice,
peaceful home.
I consider myself an artistic person. When I’m on the phone, I often doodle scenes from
my favorite bible stories. I’m currently working on the crucifixion of
our Lord and savior. John 19:34. “But one of the soldiers with a spear pierced his side,
and forthwidth there came out blood and water.” Lucky I have plenty of red pens.
Please only respond if you have posted a photo.
Name: FreshJesusLover Age: 22 Body Type: Slender Denomination: Brand new Christian! Seeking: Non-judgmental God fearing man to help me constantly repent. |
Favorite Music
Anything loud that helps blot out memory.
Favorite Food
I’ve never been particularly interested in food.
Favorite Movies
I enjoyed watching Robert Deniro kill that pimp in Taxi Driver. I think Steven Segal has beaten up some pimps too. I enjoy watching pimps getting killed or beaten up. Romans 12:19. “Vengeance is mine. I will repay, saith the Lord.”
Favorite Bible Quote
Matthew 3:2. “Repent, for the kingdom of heaven is at hand.”
Profile Essay
For six years I was a full-time crack whore. After my last arrest, I spent enough time in jail to read the bible. I used to think the bible was lame and wussy, but it’s not. It’s kickass! Ezekial 6:12. “He that is far off shall die of the pestilence, and he that is near shall fall by the sword, and he that remaineth and is besieged shall die by the famine. Thus will I accomplish my fury upon them.” So cool. I could’ve used the Lord on my side back in the day, let me tell you.
Once I came to the part about repentance, I started to really get excited. You see, I have done quite a bit of sinning. But the bible says that I can repent and go to paradise! And if I sin again, I just have to repent. Again. That’s easier than buying a dime bag off a retarded stripper.
My goal is to one day have a family of my own. I have had eight abortions (yes, I repented for each one), but the next time I become pregnant I plan to keep it. I’ll even get married if you want. Once we get hitched, you can do whatever you want to me. There’s nothing you can think of that I haven’t done (and repented for). Colossians 3:18. “Wives submit to your husbands as is fitting to the Lord.” So, if I can fit the Lord in there, I’m sure I can fit all sorts of stuff. Call me.