Best Church Of God

BCOG Top 10 Archives--2009

Top 10 Ways to Evangelize at Work

1. Sneak this slide in your PowerPoint presentation: “Everything is possible for him who believes.” Mark 9:23

2. Reset all passwords to “Praise Jesus!”

3. At the water cooler, repeatedly talk about this awesome guy you just met named Jesus

4. Blast K-LOVE 94.3 FM from your cubicle

5. Say “grace” before every cup of coffee

6. Send a memo: “For all have sinned and come short of the Glory of God.” Romans 3:23

7. Use “Footprints” post-its.

8. Remind everyone how Ted didn’t fix the copier. Jesus did.

9. Get there early on Bagel Day and decorate each bagel with “crown of thorns” garnish.

10. On Casual Friday wear your favorite T-shirt: “You serpents, you brood of vipers, how will you escape the sentence of hell?” Matthew 23:33

TOP 8 Reasons That Chanukah Is Sinful

1. Christians (and even the rest of the world) use the Gregorian calendar based on the sun, not some weird lunar, Hebrew, pre-Christian calendar.

2. Latkes (potato pancakes) are made with yeast. Which God forbids in the Bible.

3. The Jews killed Jesus.

4. The Jews killed Mel Gibson’s career.

5. It takes Jews 8 days to give out the presents Christians can knock out in 1 (not counting Advent, of course)

6. As they pray over the menorah, the Jews don’t say “In Jesus name, Amen.”

7. Dreidels are evil. God hates gambling.

8. The Jews killed Jesus.

Top 10 Reasons Why God is Against Healthcare Reform

1. If Jesus can’t fix you, do you really think a doctor can?

2. President Barack Hussein Obama is the anti-Christ and we don’t support the anti-Christ or his anti-Christ policies.

3. God should be in control, not the government. Philippians 3:20 “But our citizenship is in heaven. And we eagerly await a Savior from there, the Lord Jesus Christ.”

4. Public option? The only options we have are between heaven and hell.

5. Health care reform is a gateway to Communism, gay marriage, legalized marijuana and a Mexican take over.

6. If you’re stricken with an illness, you’re being punished for your sins. So cripples, stop whining and start atoning.

7. Hospitals require men to wear gowns which is a sin. Deuteronomy 22:5 “A woman must not wear men's clothing, nor a man wear women's clothing, for the LORD your God detests anyone who does this.”

8.  Doctors swear to serve the Hippocratic oath, but the Bible says to only serve the Lord or be killed.

9. The only ‘reform’ you can truly have is the repentance in your heart… through Jesus.

10. If Jesus can suffer through nails piercing his flesh, the least you can do is handle a little cancer.

Top 10 Reasons Why God Didn’t Want Chicago to Host the Olympics

1. Barack Hussein Obama.
   
   
2. The Bean in Millennium Park can’t compete with Rio’s huge statue of Christ. 
   
   
3. A barrage of gay divers would have splashed Chicago like a spangled tsunami.
   
   
4. Gymnastics events promote skin tight poly-blended outfits that are an abomination unto the Lord. (Lev 19:19)
   
   
5. The early Olympic Games were held in honor of fake-god Zeus, but were banned in 393 A.D by awesome Christ-lovers.
   
   
6. Our bodies are God’s temple, and it’s a well know fact that all good runners are jacked on ‘roids. God hates performance enhancers. (Cor 3:16)
   
   
7. God hates Serena Williams: “Women should adorn themselves in respectable apparel, with modesty and self-control, not with braided hair and gold or pearls or costly attire.” (1 Tim 2:9)
   
   
8. There’s no Olympic prayer competition.
   
   
9. The US Men’s basketball team: “You shall not… tattoo yourselves: I am the Lord." (Lev 19:28)
   
   
10. Michael Phelps forgot to give “big-ups” to Christ upon receiving his 8th gold medal of the Beijing 2008 Summer Olympics.
    

Top 10 Reasons to Home School Your Kids

1. Your children will get all the socialization they need with three awesome friends: God, Jesus and The Holy Spirit.
   
   
2. You can ensure that 90% of the curriculum is focused on Creationism. The other 10% can be spent on intelligent design.
   
   
3. Keep your innocent children away from the lesbian gym teachers and their tight shorts.
   
   
4. Since all Christians are made in God’s image (Gen 1:27) and since Jesus was a great teacher, it means you must be a great teacher, too.
   
   
5. When only gang members and gays are left in public schools, they will eventually kill each other off with guns and AIDS. Then the good Christian children will able to return to school.
   
   
6. When you are under the weather, substitute teachers Mr. Limbaugh and Mr. O’Reilly come on the TV to fill in!
   
   
7. Public schools don’t offer “Speaking in Tongues” as a foreign language credit.
   
   
8. You don’t want your children getting crushes on the Jewish kids at school (2 Corinthians 6:14  "Be ye not unequally yoked together with unbelievers”).
   
   
9. Really, what’s the difference between “Home Room” and “Room at Home”?
   
   
10. Public schools don’t offer the flesh of Jesus on the cafeteria menu.  No luck getting His blood out of the Coke machine, either.  

Top Ten Vatican Screw-ups

1. This week when the Holy See endorsed the blasphemous Harry Potter movie.
   
   
2. When they let Martin Luther take the good potato salad recipe with him.
   
   
3. In 1999 when they allowed the release of “Stigmata". This film’s conspiratorial representation of the Vatican killed the faith of the nearly dozens of Americans who saw the film.
   
   
4. Last winter when Pope Benedict disagreed with the Catholic Bishop who said the Holocaust didn't happen. What good is having a former Hitler Youth as Pope if you can't piss off the Jews?
   
   
5. "Vatican II"? That only makes sense if it's a trilogy.
   
   
6. The one time they gave the Pope the wrong hat. Yeesh.
   
   
7. The Inquisition was too short. Sure it last 600 years, but withouth waterboarding you need more time to get the truth out of someone.
   
   
8. That time they believed those meddling kids from Fatima about seeing ghost Mary.
   
   
9. Not using enough children in the Children’s Crusade. Next time, use non-Union actors.
   
   
10. That one time back in the early 900s when the Vatican let their girlfriends run things, also known appropriately enough as “The Rule of the Whores”.   

TOP SEVEN THINGS TO DO

CBN.com featured a list of Fun Things to Do Indoors. Here at the BCOG, we felt that 7 was not enough and that indoors was too limiting, so we compiled our own special "Top Seven."

1. Go outside and throw a ball and then leave it to die. See Isaiah 22:18 "He will roll you up tightly like a ball and throw you into a large country. There you will die and there your splendid chariots will remain— you disgrace to your master's house!"
   
   
2. Stay inside and watch Living the Life  on CBN.
   
   
3. Take a walk with a buddy in the light and then take a Jesus blood bath together. See 1 John 1:7: "But if we walk in the light, as he is in the light, we have fellowship with one another, and the blood of Jesus, his Son, purifies us from all sin."
   
   
4. Have an Amy Grant dance party! (Michael W. Smith can come, too.)
   
   
5. Take a road trip down to Dallas for Praise Fest , where "it's not about us, it's about Jesus". And awesome Christian music in tents!
   
   
6. Have a BBQ! Jesus meat is the Best.
   
   
7. Go read the Bible under a tree. If you read it aloud, you may be able to convert that heathen tree who never seems to find the time to go to Church.
     

TOP TEN WAYS TO CELEBRATE EASTER

1. Watch Mel Gibson's documentary about Jesus called The Passion of the Christ. Everytime you see Jesus bleed, eat a Peep!
   
   
2. Build a cross! After Easter, help save on energy costs by burning it.
   
   
3. Instead of hiding pagan Easter "eggs" for your children to find, remind them of Christ’s sacrifice on the cross by hiding pieces of flesh.
   
   
4. If you happen to be in your neighbor's yard and see a heathen pagan Easter egg before their family egg hunt whereby you happen to steal it and eat it, see Proverbs 6:30: "Men do not despise a thief if he steals to satisfy his hunger." You'll be pretty hungry from your Lenten fasting, so eat up.
   
   
5. Kill a bunny. Easter Bunnies have NOTHING to do with the Death and Resurrection of our Lord and Savior Jesus Christ. See here.
   
   
6. Help your kids walk in the path of Jesus; seal them in a cave for 3 days.
   
   
7. Instead of potato sack races this year, have cross carrying races up and down a steep hill with your big homemade crosses. For an added kick, have a bunch of Jewish kids chase you. Fun!
   
   
8. Take turns crucifying one another to get the complete Jesus experience. For tips, see how these guys did it last year: Click here.
   
   
9. Watch "Dawn of the Dead" and "28 Days Later" in honor of our favorite Jewish Zombie, Jesus Christ.
   
   
10. Sleep on your roof. When Jesus comes back, you’ll be the first to know!

Top 10 Reasons NOT to Celebrate
Women’s History Month

1. Women are the reason we were thrown out of paradise to begin with.
   
   
2. According to the Bible, once a month women make themselves and everything they touch “unclean.”
   
   
3. We could be spending March proving that Lincoln was a homosexual atheist.
   
   
4. We could be spending March promoting great Christian warriors such as William McKinley, William Howard Taft and George W. Bush.
   
   
5. Look what happened in the presidential race when we gave the weaker sex a platform.
   
   
6. "For the man is not of the woman; but the woman of the man. Neither was the man created for the woman; but the woman for the man." (I Corinthians 11:8-9). Ergo, we should be celebrating Men’s Month in March (plus, it’s got hot alliteration)
   
   
7. Women’s History Month promotes sloth—2 days for studying Phyllis Schlafly and Ann Coulter, 29 days with nothing else to do.
   
   
8. Women’s History promotes trashy novels; look what Mary Magdalene did for Dan Brown.
   
   
9. Women’s History takes students’ attention away from real education, like learning intelligent design. 
   
   
10. Women’s History promotes segregation by teaching women that they are separate from, but equal to men.

Top 10 Reasons Lincoln was Evil

1. Lincoln told his wife he wanted to walk the steps of the Savior in Jerusalem – proof positive that first the South, then the Holy Land was next on his list of domination.
   
   
2. He was un-baptized and we all know that God only helps the anointed to win Civil Wars.
   
   
3. In his collective works, he uses thirty three expressions for God but never mentions Jesus – sounds awfully Jewish.
   
   
4. Running for Congress, Lincoln admitted, “That I am not a member of any Christian Church is true” - do we really need six more reasons?
   
   
5. For four years, Lincoln shared a bed with 22 year old male Shopkeeper, Joshua Speed, proving that we should have passed “Prop 8” 172 years ago.
   
   
6. He freed the slaves, a biblically sanctioned institution (Exodus 21).
   
   
7. Lincoln is our most worthless president. Why else would we put him on the penny?
   
   
8. He wore a long beard leading experts to believe his middle name was probably “Mohammed” or “Hussein.”
   
   
9. Lincoln was 6’4,” but the only six foot martyrs God approves of carry a cross and rhyme with “Smejus Schmist.”
   
   
10. He’s the hero of B. Hussein Obama.  Anti-Christs of a feather flock together.
     

TOP 10 REASONS TO BUY A "RED TENT"

1. It's a safe place for your woman to lay in the fetal position and weep during her monthly "issue*"
   
   
2. The Bible says so. (See the Book of Exodus.)
   
   
3. It feels like camping!
   
   
4. It's unventilated so as to save people from the stench of your woman's decaying uterus.
   
   
5. It's a nice place to keep your woman and her lady friends even when they are not on their
   women's issue so as to keep them from meddling in your man work.
   
   
6. It's roomy- holding up to 6 menstruating women, and 7 non-menstruating women.
   
   
7. It's portable- great for family vacations!
   
   
8. It can double as a child's fort during other times of the month.
   
   
9. It's red, like a woman's shame.
   
   
10. It's more cost efficient than a cage.

*a woman's icky blood time, as described by the King James Version Bible. 

BCOG’s Top 10 Plans for the New Year

1. A write-in campaign to appoint Pastor Dave Shepherd in lieu of Roland Burris to fill the vacant Illinois Senate Seat.
   
   
2. Lobby for Oprah to follow up her “Best Life” Series with a “Best After-Life” Series.
   
   
3. Support both Hamas as well as Israel; if they can knock each other off, Pastor Dave can finally realize his dream of a Christian theme park in the Holy Land.
   
   
4. A campaign for the writing staff of Time Out Chicago to win the Pulitzer for their outstanding work on this article.
   
   
5. A rally against the Democratically-controlled city of Chicago’s attempt to fill its 900+ potholes.  Potholes are God’s way of punishing the ungodly Democrat party (while cutting out the middle man).
   
   
6. A protest in front of all theatres playing, “Frost/Nixon.” Secularist Devil, Ron Howard, spreads his liberal propagandist plague in this unfair (and unchristian) portrayal of conservative rock, Richard Nixon.
   
   
7. An organized demonstration against the Chicago-style Hot Dog. Satanically phallic, it is an instrument of promiscuity and tempts our virgin daughters into whoredom.
   
   
8. A petition urging President-Elect Obama to select the Best Church of God as his new church while in office.
   
   
9. A formal invitation to Sasha and Malia to be the new BCOG Altar girls. Despite their parents’ obvious heretical indoctrination, the girls seem very well behaved.
   
   
10. Setting Chicago back on the straight and narrow, January 11, 2009 at 3PM, 1225 W. Belmont Ave! (http://chicagosketchfest.net)
      

    

 --2008 BCOG Top 10s--