Kiddie Krusaders
The Bible Is My Only Textbook
Hi kids. Cindy Sunday here to tell you about the half-smartest state in the union. That’s right, I’m talking about Texas. They are so much smarter than all those stupidy dumb Blue States that teach atheism, monkey sex and force all girls to have abortions. The Texans want to rewrite school textbooks and tell kids to ignore Thomas Jefferson, reject the Civil Rights Movement, and love the N.R.A.
In other words, they want to teach good Christian values.
So why is the Texas Board of Education only half smart? Because The Bible is the only textbook our kids actually need.
Here’s what the only book worth reading has to say about those silly CIVIL RIGHTS:
Slaves, obey your earthly masters with deep respect and fear. Serve them sincerely as you would serve Christ.~Ephesians 6:5
If Rosa Parks had known her place and obeyed her earthly masters, she’d be riding the bus in heaven (seated in the back, of course).
Jesus tells us to love the N.R.A.:
Do not suppose that I have come to bring peace to the earth. I did not come to bring peace, but a sword.
~Matthew 10:34
Of course, they didn’t have guns back in biblical Jesus times. Swords were all he had when he was forming his Christian militias. Would Jesus support the NRA? Of course. The more holes you put in someone, the “holier” he’ll be. Are you gonna pry that sexy black 12-gauge semi-automatic rifle from Jesus’ cold dead hands?
God hates the SEPARATION OF CHURCH AND STATE:
Everyone must submit to governing authorities. For all authority comes from God, and those in positions of authority have been placed there by God.
~Romans 13:1
That’s right, there is no separation of church and state. Everything comes from God. And church is where you find Him. When the bible says “governing authorities” it isn’t talking about Satan-y faker Barack Obama; it’s talking about the Tea Party and Fox News.
-take me back to the Kidz Korner, please-
Kidz Kwestionz
Hello, kids! I'm sure glad you heart Christ. But sometimes doing Christ's work is real hard and we need some guidance. If you have any questions that Jesus hasn’t answered (yet), feel free to e-mail me at cindy@bestchurchofgod.org
November 23, 2009
Today's question comes to us from little Rachel, age 6, down in Champaign, Illinois:
"Dear Miss Cindy,
Mommy and daddy fight a lot. What’s going to happen to my family?
Love,
Rachel, age 6"
Dear Rachel:
Parents argue for lots of reasons. Sometimes they disagree about who should do the dishes (your mommy) or who should make dinner (your mommy). Other times, daddy wants to have relations in the marriage bed but mommy has a headache. But as good Christians we know that “the wife's body does not belong to her alone but also to her husband” (1 Corinthians 7:4). So if any of these are the reasons, mommy needs to stop fighting and be an obedient wife. Otherwise, she won’t go to heaven.
Proverbs 25:24 “It is better to live on a corner of a roof than share a house with a quarrelsome wife.” You don’t want your daddy to live on the roof do
you? He might get struck by lightening, which we all know is the wrath of God. The wrath created by your mother’s back-talking, feminist ways.
Now, sometimes daddy’s voice gets real loud and the fighting seems real scary. But don’t you worry; your daddy is just obeying God’s word. Genesis says: “the husband will rule over the wife.” And 1 Peter says “he will respect her 
with the respect of the weaker partner.” Your dad is probably just showing mommy in a Godly way that she is the weaker partner. Sometimes that takes more than yelling.
Rachel, you might be scared that your parents will get divorced. They won’t! Divorce is like a hall pass to hell. 1 Corinthians 7:10 says, “A wife must not separate from her husband.” This means no matter what your daddy does (even he’s beating the Devil out of Mommy), she will stay married to him forever because God and the church tell her to. Hurray!
-take me back to the Kidz Korner, please-
September 9th, 2008
Today's question comes to us from little Leslie, age 7, down in Atlanta, Georgia:
"Dear Cindy-
Where do babies come from?
Love,
Little Leslie, age 7"
Dear LL:
The bible tells us this in Genesis 16:4 "He slept with Hagar, and she conceived."
"Conceived" is a fancy grown-up word for "making a baby" and it happens after you have "slept" with someone. So if a man and a lady sleep together in a bed, that makes a baby. So don't share a bed with a person of the opposite sex until you are married, because babies born out of the lock of holy wed are not babies that Jesus loves. Sleep tight!
-take me back to the Kidz Korner, please-
September 9th, 2008
Today's question comes to us from Waukeegan, Illinois. 
"Dear Miss Cindy,
Is there a McDonald's in Heaven?
Love,
Pete, Age 5"
Dear Pete:
In Jeremiah 23:24, the Lord says "Do not I fill heaven and earth?" And if God fills the earth with McDonald's, then surely, he must fill Heaven with them, too! Keep eatin' McDonald's, Pete, and trust in the Lord with all of your heart that He will take care of you in Heaven- with all the kid's meals you can eat! And don't worry about getting fat, because in Heaven everyone is pretty!
Love, Cindy
Love,
Cindy
-take me back to the Kidz Korner, please-
Bible Thumpin'
Hi, kidz! Who hearts the Bible? Kidz heart the Bible! So let's read a story from that awesome book! You’ll be able to use what we learn today to convert all your heathen schoolyard buddies. Remember, nothing works faster for turning kids (and even adults!) to Jesus than FEAR.
“But Cindy, I don’t want to make my friends afraid.”
Oh, Jimmy. Then you aren’t a good Christian. That's what school is all about--Learning and fear. Proverbs 1:7 says it real clear:
“The fear of The Lord is the beginning of knowledge.”
So now that Jimmy’s over his irreverent silliness, let’s turn your Bibles to Isaiah Chapter 13.
This one is fun!
It’s a prophecy against Babylon. Babylon was a town where there were people doing lots of bad things. Like SINNING.
C-a-r-e-f-u-l: don't mix up Babylon with "Babyland".
In one, babies frolic in fields of candy.
In the other, BABIES DIE.
OK, here we go...
"Wail, for the day of the LORD is near;
it will come like destruction from the Almighty.
Whoever is captured will be thrust through;
all who are caught will fall by the sword.Their infants will be dashed to pieces before their eyes;
their houses will be looted and their wives ravished.Their bows will strike down the young men;
they will have no mercy on infants
nor will they look with compassion on children."
Wow! You see kids? There will be no compassion for the children. Better do your homework and your chores, just like mom and daddy tell you to. You don’t want to be sitting at the kids table in hell, do you? Also, make sure you let Jesus into your heart before he smashes your head against a rock! Remember Psalm 137?
“Happy is he who seizes your infants and dashes them against the rocks."
Praise Jesus for another valuable lesson from the bible. Isn’t it amazing that one book can be so suitable for both children and adults? That sure says a lot about us Christians.
-take me back to the Kidz Korner, please-
Fun with Protests!
Hi, Kids! Ruthie Shepherd here, President of the BCO God Squad. Now I know that you munchkins are not quite big enough to hang out with us, but that doesn’t mean that you can’t be God’s littlest warrior angels. Today, I am going to teach you how to start your very own protest in the comfort of your school, playground or aftercare facility. Remember, Luke 1:76:
The following is a handy-dandy check list for even the smallest civil agitator:
- Cause – Every protest needs a divine cause. I hear that Gymboree doesn’t observe a moment of silence before snack time. That’s a good starter cause.
- cHant – Every protest needs a good chant. I’m a personal fan of the “2, 4, 6.” Here’s a chant using our Gymboree example. “Two, Four, Six, Meat! I want to pray before I eat!”
- Rapture – No I’m not talking about the end of the world, sillies! That will come soon enough. I’m talking about Joy. If you don’t have fun with your protest, it just becomes work. At that point, you might as well practice your multiplication tables.
- sIgnage – Every protest needs good signage. What good is a protest if people don’t know what you are protesting? I always find that Sharpies and Foam Core make the best signs, but Sharpies are kind of smelly and Foam Core may not be accessible to you. That’s ok. Crayons on construction paper always makes a statement. Plus, adults are suckers for little kids saying grown-up things. Use it while you can!
- Sitting – With every protest, you’ll probably be sitting and blocking traffic for a while. In that case, you might as well get comfortable. I recommend “Criss-cross, Apple Sauce” (or what used to call “Indian Style” before the Godless Clinton Administration). It shows you mean business, but also keeps the blood flowing to your legs properly. Remember, girls: Watch what you are wearing that day. Everyone knows a Whore of Babylon when they see one.
- Timing - Timing is everything. If you are going to do a protest, you want to make sure you get the maximum amount of crowd and media attention as possible. Days to stay away from include: Christmas, any time the Cubs play the Sox and the release of Madden ’09.