Relic-ly Speaking
An advice column by Deacon Sam Samuelson on the Christian relics and ephemera we encounter.
Q. I recently read that a Massachusetts woman saw the face of Jesus in her iron. Is this a miracle?
- signed Looking for a Sign
A. It’s absolutely a miracle! The visage of Jesus in Mary Jo Coady’s iron proves beyond a shadow of a doubt that there is a God, He had a Son born of a Virgin, and that His Son died for our sins. Case closed.
What better way for the Lord to communicate His omnipotence than by scorching his Son’s face on toast, spattering engine oil on an underpass in the image of Mary, or by imprinting the face of Jesus on a hunk of firewood in Knoxville, TN? I suppose one of you Wisenheimers could
respond: “By curing AIDS in Africa.” Well… shame on you, Wisenheimer! Curing AIDS in Africa is a difficult task; For God, causing AIDS was easy, but as we all know it’s more fun to play with your toys than to clean them up. Rest assured, God is working on the problem: Look at all the missionaries the Lord sent there to preach His message of the evils of condoms and family planning. Surely, that will solve the AIDS crisis in a jiffy!
While we wait for the conversion of Africans - I mean, the cure for AIDS - we should look for messages from God in the little things. Because while God doesn’t have time to fix the financial crisis He created, feed the hungry He destined to starve, or quell the violence being committed in His name, He clearly does have the time to surprise unsuspecting American worker bees and homemakers with a cryptic visit to their pooch’s anus fur.
When working a menial task, be sure to check and re-check your soap suds, fire poker, or used tissues for the face of the Lord. With a little imagination and lots of elbow grease, you too can have proof of God’s existence when He shows up... in your elbow grease! Praise Jesus for these meaningful miracles.
Q. “I’m asking this question for my friend. My friend keeps seeing commercials for ‘Male Enhancement Products.’ My friend wants to know, is it a sin for my friend to buy these enlargement products?”-signed Friend of a Friend Hoping to Not be Smited.
A. I’m glad your friend asked this question; the Lord says your body is a 
temple and what does every temple have? Large columns. If you were not born naturally with a large scroll (as of course I myself have been blessed with), fear not. That is why the Lord created male enhancement products. In fact, the Bible says that those who are NOT well endowed will be barred from Heaven. "No one whose testicles are crushed or whose male organ is cut off shall enter the assembly of the Lord." (Deuteronomy 23:1) Would your meager offering appear “cut off” or “crushed” next to my sanctified, Christ-filled staff? Be like Moses and turn that limp noodle into a rock-hard rod of manliness: "So Moses reached out and took hold of the snake and it turned back into a staff in his hand." (Exodus 4:4)
Point is, don’t have any shame in ordering these pills, pulleys and contraptions. The Bible is full of stories telling of the glory of well enhanced men and the blessings they were. "There she lusted over her lovers, whose genitals were like those of donkeys and whose emission was like that of horses." (Ezekiel 23:20)
Rejoice, for He created these pills to help your Tree of Life grow! Just remember that the Bible also commands good Christians to tithe to the Lord. Make sure you send 10% of those creams and pills to the church. In fact, to make it easier, you can send it directly to me Deacon Sam Samuelson.
Q. My buddy from college recently found the shriveled thumb of a Saint, and now he won’t shut up about it. I’m thinking of playing a prank on him to put him in his place. Any suggestions?
-signed He Enthusiastically Helps His Evangelical Heroes
Q. A question of etiquette – I have a piece of the True Cross in a small box on my mantel.
Is this appropriate springtime decoration for my condo?
-signed Frantically Advancing Neo-Christian Yore
A. A classic conundrum with a classic answer! Contrary to what many think, when it comes to decorating, Christ is NOT a man for all seasons! In fact, winter and spring are the only times it’s appropriate to display a piece of the cross. Winter, because of its woodiness, Spring because (and hopefully this is obvious to you, FANCY) His rebirth is the reason for the season. So, you’re all good for the time being, but once the springs showers and flowers give way to heat of summer – pack it up! Summer is for Satan, so hide the cross in a box.
Q. I’ve got the Ark of the Covenant, and am going to open it with about 60 of my German buddies. I’ve got a cool robe and hat – is there anything else I’m forgetting?
-signed I Need Details Yahweh!
A. Ummm... don’t look at it, maybe? No matter what happens, don’t look at it? Did I say look at it? No! I said don’t look at it, no This is a question that any 6 year old should be able to answer for you, but it’s amazing how time-and-again well intentioned people (such as yourself INDY), make the mistake of looking at the ark when they open it. Sure, if you open it and it’s only full of dust, you’ll probably be alarmed. More so if spirits or something blast forth from it. You want to look, we all do. But do you want to get your face melted?